How do you feel if you are a retired man and having a very active woman as your wife? You can ask my husband about that. The first year was difficult, not only for him but also for me. It was difficult for him because he was the head of the family, and he helplessly saw his wife stepped out of the house door every day, leaving him behind with kids and household matters. Quite an irritation for a big ego that every man has.
And why was it difficult for me too? Because having a retired husband means you are handling a crystal glass, you have to be careful –alert- all the time. His heart broke easily. He was supersensitive. You came home a few minutes late, he questioned you. You went out of town again after just arriving two days ago, he put an unfriendly face. But of course there was nothing he could do: I have been a working woman since before I met him, and part of the vows he made when marrying me was to let me work if I like to do it.
Thank God, that happened only in the first year of his retirement. In the process, he makes peace with himself, and with me. He drops me and picks me up wherever I go. He meets and knows people I meet. He sometimes, most of the times, accompanies me at occasions and functions. He doesn’t enjoy diplomatic and political gatherings, so he stops doing that, he just drops me and picks me up. But he enjoys gathering with my artist friends. He produces a play based on my published story. We have a club, friends who like playing music and singing, and we take turn to host a gathering. When we host them, my husband makes my home so nice and comfortable, that my friends don’t want to leave until after midnight.
And he even cooks. He is famous with his “Hong Kong fried rice” and “Javanese fried noodle”. My husband wins cooking competition in our housing complex for two years in a row. And he is not jobless after all. He is a member of AJI, not the well-known Aliansi Jurnalis Independen, but Antar Jemput Istri (this is his joke). If he is not on the wheel, he must be in the computer, preparing papers or power points for my lectures or presentations; or on the phone, managing my appointments. I guess, he deserves half of my honorarium for being such effective assistant and manager.
One day I told a friend of mine: “I wish I lived like you, buying a pair of shoes in Singapore, buying the bag the next day in Melbourne, and the next week flying to New York just to attend a wedding.” We were reporters from two competing newspapers in Surabaya about 20 years ago. Now she is one of BODs of the biggest media group in Indonesia (Jawa Pos, which has more than a hundred branches throughout Indonesia, while Kompas has about 60).
She looked at me for a moment, and said: “Sirikit, do you know that I always envy you?” “Why?” I couldn’t imagine her envying me. She drives the fanciest car in town, perhaps no one else has, and she always wears top quality jewelry when attending functions.
“I am so jealous. You have a good life. Your children and your husband are always near you.” Oh my God. I forgot that she was single. She must be lonely.
At other times, when I quarreled with my husband, I went to my best friend, a divorcee. “You are right for not getting married again. Men are pains in the neck,” I cried. And then she said a-matter-of-factly, “I would marry again if I met a man like your husband.” That sounded too much for me to take. She just amused me, of course. “No, I am not kidding. He is the best husband any career woman –like us- could ever have.”
And she mentioned one of our friends, who couldn’t do what she wanted to do, working, because her husband was rich. Simply: she has no excuse to work. Her husband gives her all. “You must be thankful that he allows you to work, to pursue your career, and even support you.”
Indeed, as Bette Midler says in her song, “he is the wind beneath my wings”. I cannot fly this high without his permission and support. It must not be nice to be in his position, but he does it well. He takes care of the children while I am traveling around the world or throughout the country. He is there when I come home.
I read Newsweek this morning and there it is: mannies (male nannies) are in high demand in the US. Among single-40ies-women, mannies are preferable because: “Kids want male role model in the house.” I remember my husband, who is so good with kids; our children, nephews, nieces, even grandchildren (we have more than a dozen grandchildren from his family-tree, who love my husband a lot). He might be too old for the new profession, but he’s doing it already.
Sirikit Syah2007
A career, happily married woman, working abroad
